If there's one problem facing America today, it's that our protagonists aren't as white as they used to be. Or so a few outspoken conservatives would like to believe. 

Remember the outrage that happened when a surge of people starting virally petitioning for Donald Glover to play Spiderman in the arachnoid hero's newest film reboot? Remember the word wars across comments sections between those who understand Childish Gambino's unadulterated awesomeness and those who are thinly-veiled racists? Peter Parker's white in the comics, guys, so it would be a blatant injustice to the race were any non-white actor to play him. Because if there's one thing white people need, it's more representation in all kinds of media.

Hey, remember who actually was cast in the fresh Spidey role? Andrew Garfield. You might remember him from Aaron Sorkin's clinically clever Facebook flick. He played Eduardo Saverin, Mark Zuckerberg's Brazilian-born business partner. Not only is he Brazilian, he's Jewish as well--a double whammy of unusual heritage. Yet Garfield is about as Anglo-Saxon as they come, half English and half American, the son of two interior design business owners. Where was the outrage when that casting decision was made? 

We see film casts whitewashed all the time. The Last Airbender and 21 are two of the sorest examples of the Hollywood-held idea that American audiences need white heroes. When adapted characters are changed from white to non-white, they're typically not the heroes. No one batted an eye when Michael Clarke Duncan took on the role of Kingpin in the comic book movie Daredevil because he played the villain and people had Ben Affleck's wooden, miscast performance to relate to. At least that's what I think we were supposed to be doing. I was too busy trying to accelerate time with my mind so that I didn't have to suffer another minute of dialogue between butt-chin-face and that pouty chick from Alias. 

Point being, producers and directors and other people with money seem to think that the only way to win the affection of the American public is to keep making media about white people doing things. Never mind that a significant portion of this country's population is made up of people who are not in any way white. Now that Marvel has announced that they're finally making a hero who's not a white dude--a new Spiderman at that--certain white people are of course all up in arms about the contamination of "their" culture. 

Namely, Glenn Beck, who loves to get up in arms about anything that threatens the privilege of rich white males. He fears that the half-black, half-Hispanic hero will be an affront to the "real" culture and tradition of the United States. Because, as we know, the heart of this country is its a flat-out refusal to let any other race participate in anything cool like being a comic book hero. 

Beck even went on to lay blame on First Lady Michelle Obama for the assault on his culture. He believes that this kind of race-changing is being done "intentionally" to change the history and tradition of the US--as though changing the tradition of racial exclusion and oppression were somehow unacceptable. Mature adult that he is, Beck also called the new Spidey gay, even though there's no evidence so far as to his sexuality one way or the other. Have hope, kids: you too can grow up to be a professional 12-year-old boy just like Mr. Beck.

Listen to the full Hulk Smash-inducing clip from the Glenn Beck Program over at RawReplay.